The Power of Boundaries
Common MYTH about Boundaries: They are walls, meant to protect us from all of the chaos and hurt that goes on in the world around us.
That is not at all what a boundary is meant to do. In TRUTH , boundaries are the exact opposite, meant to help us connect with others from a place of safety. They’re more like windows than walls. Windows that open and close when we want them to. Boundaries are also not going to protect us from all of the pain and hurt in the world. But can instead give us a sense of control and safety during those inevitable challenging life moments. That is the power of boundaries.
Here are my three rules for living a life with boundaries:
Explore and learn your values - Your values are the things that are important to you. Values ground you in morality and show you how you want to live and be in the world. Examples of values include: spirituality, family, friends, compassion, caring for others, adventure, social justice, etc. Knowing your core values will help you understand yourself better, increase your self-worth and know how to proceed with the following two rules:
Explore and learn your limits - Your limit is your body’s way of saying, “no more.” When we are feeling resentful towards a situation or a person, it is very likely we have surpassed a limitation. Probably repeatedly. You might have a situation or person popping into your mind as you read this. We tend to place blame on the person or situation. When in truth, we can’t always control the situation and we can never control another person. People are going to do what they do. What we DO have control over is our own choices and behaviors. Values not only guide your choices and behaviors, but help you know when something is crossing a line or invading your limitations. When you have a firm grasp on what your limits are, then comes the next rule:
Explore and learn communication - This rule can be a challenge. It is the implementation of your boundaries. Saying what your values and limits are to the world around you. In other words, say what you need to say. The reason this is so tricky is because we don’t always know how other people will respond, we might be afraid of rejection, and we don’t always know the right words to use to make our needs known and heard. This rule takes practice.
When we become more familiar and aware of these three rules, boundaries become easier. Here are a few items to be aware of when beginning to live a life with boundaries.
Feelings of resentment will gradually decrease while feelings of liberation and capacity will gradually increase. Using boundaries helps us build resilience because our autonomic nervous system (connected to your survival brain) feels safe more often.
Your community might become smaller. You will see that certain people do not understand boundaries and react in a negative way when others around them have boundaries. This can feel like rejection. But really it is a simplification of your social circle. The people who respect your boundaries will draw closer to you, while the people who do not respect your boundaries will inevitably walk away.
If you have been passive for a long time, setting boundaries might feel aggressive. Refining your language can help with allowing soft but firm boundaries. For example; “No, thank you” instead of “No.” OR; “I would love to go out another time,” Instead of “I can’t.”
As you move further into what boundaries look like for you, then you can begin to assess if your boundaries are too soft, too rigid, or just right. Often people tell me the hardest part of a boundary is keeping it steady or being too firm and disconnecting. For everyone it’s different. Just remember, there is no perfect boundary. It’s just a process of learning what works for your values and limits.
