Building Resilience - Outsourcing Pitfall
“I think every pain in this world wants to be witnessed.” — Sue Monk Kidd
Sue Monk Kidd’s quote is like an epiphany! There is a ton of research suggesting attachment is important for human beings. We want our hurt to be seen and acknowledged by others. There is nothing wrong with that. However, it is one of the reasons we often project outward. Leading to expectations of others to fix our pain and validate us. When we are outsourcing in this way, we are expecting the external world, people, places, objects and things to fill a void, to make things right again, to take away the pain. And sometimes it comes out as blame. It seems easier this way, but in truth it is ultimately damaging and detrimental to our lives. But we so badly want witnesses to our pain!
Here is a different perspective. Stop searching externally! There is no single person, place or object outside of us that will fix our pain or make life easier. In fact, we cannot place that expectation on others. We need to take that responsibility for ourselves. That responsibility is the key to our freedom! because it gives us back our power and control. The key to changing what needs to be changed. The key to processing pain, grief and suffering. The key to enjoying life. The key to healthy relationships.
And, even when there is something to blame, externally, like politicians or the person who tailgated you all the way home, the fact is, that decision is theirs, not yours. What is ultimately in your control is your own behavior. That behavior can determine how you will feel internally.
How then, do we take responsibility, search inward instead of outward? How do we stop projecting and blaming people and circumstances and still feel witnessed?
Notice in the moment when you are outsourcing.
Notice what feelings and sensations are rising in your body and what thoughts are in your mind.
Be your own witness and offer yourself compassion.
Try letting your guard down in increments, opening yourself slowly to vulnerability, which allows people to witness without force.
Own up to your choices and make amends where needed.
Be okay with making mistakes.
Accept pain and grief by befriending it. What is it teaching you?
Speak up and be honest about your needs.
Model the behaviors and changes you want to see in others.
Challenge yourself with new experiences.
Find a professional to talk to.
